I'm Fucking Ben Affleck

It was inevitable Jimmy Kimmel would enact revenge. While this clip is not as laugh out loud funny as IFMD, it is over the top with the range of cameo's, from Brad Pitt to Huey Lewis - - please watch for yourself, and is still very amusing - I personally love the pooka shells.

Oscar Drinking Game

Not to bump Fuge's Post - but this may be useful to your Oscar Viewing this weekend.

The Foundation Oscar Drinking Game

Drink Once if…..

• Someone thanks God.
• Someone cries
• Someone mentions Heath Ledger
• Someone gets played off by the orchestra
• The parade of death shows someone you thought was alive

Drink Twice if…..

• A winner goes on a political tirade
• They pan to someone you thought was dead
• You see the Denzel Washington Rule (this happens when the camera awkwardly points out other famous African American, Asian, Homosexual etc audience members when an award is being given) They also like to focus on any ex girlfriends/boyfriends in the audience - always classy
  

Social if…..

• You see Jack Nicholson
• Wardrobe malfunction
• Someone trips
• A winner/nominee is in the bathroom
• Someone thanks Satan

Pre Oscar Blatherings

Ok, a bunch of things I wanted to talk about...

First, and this was brought to my attention by the almighty Duffless, How I Met Your Mother has not been formally resigned for next season yet. There are apparently a bunch of episodes that will air after St. Patricks day, but next year, the slot hasn't been given to them yet. Let me say this CBS...Don't be dumb, sign them up. As I've talked about before, there are only a few sitcoms left, don't lose one of the best. Also, in cancellation news...Friday Night Lights has been rumored to be possibly shifting to another network. Please let this happen. Move to ABC Family or something so I can keep on watching you, even though it seems Tim Riggins has signed on to some movie roles, so he may not be there if they do change networks, so we'll see if it's worth it.

Secondly, Apparently NBC is going to ditch the Season schedule that has been put into the tv business for many years now. I applaud this, Why do you need to have shows air in the fall, and end in spring, and have nothing in the summer...Rotate that bitch up a bit. So I don't get stuck watching nothing in the summer months. This is definitely a good thing to come out of the writer's strike.

Thirdly, I've seen 3 of the 5 best picture nominees. I plan on seeing michael clayton this weekend, so that will be 4 of 5. I hope. And I will say this...No Country For Old Men despite the lack of closure, is my favorite to win the Oscar...I'd almost pick Juno next, then There Will Be Blood. While I think that Daniel Day Lewis was spectacular, I'm not sure I think the movie was spectacular.

Fourthly, I will be making my debut on the west coast in a few weeks time. I will be in LA, so I look forward to any suggestions as to where I should eat/drink/be merry while I'm there. I look forward to Pinks and my first ever In and Out Burger, but look for more suggestions. I will also be going to Vegas in an attempt to start my career as a professional gambler.

Finally, I will be doing the Oscar Blog again this year, I look forward to the Duffless Foundation viewing party/drinking game/gambling extravaganza, I think I'm coming up with a new system this year for my oscar picks.

Oh, and another thing...There is a list of the top 100 Oscar snubs on Entertainment Weekly's Website right now It's only actors, and I think they justified it as people who didn't get nominated. It's been a while since I've done a list, but Here's my top 3 oscar snubs of all time:

Christian Bale (Empire of the Sun). I like this movie way more than most people, but it absolutely kills me that Christian Bale wasn't nominated for this movie, I know he was only like 11 years old or whatever, but there is no way there were 5 better roles that year than his. Upon Review here was the oscar class for Best Actor in 1988:

Winner Michael Douglas for Wall Street
Other Nominees:
William Hurt Broadcast News
Robin Williams Good Morning Vietnam
Marcello Mastroianni Oci Ciornie
Jack Nicholson Ironweed.

Ok, Big class, I'll admit, but I gotta say he was better than William Hurt, Marcello Mastroianni and Jack Nicholson. Because I never heard of Oci Ciornie, I completely forget Ironweed, and Broadcast News wasn't that good.

Goodfellas. Tell me, what movie do you remember from 1991, Goodfellas, or Dances With Wolves? Tell me which one you'd be more likely to watch again. I mean, a coked up Ray Liotta seeing helicopters deserves an oscar just on it's own.

Finally, Natalie Portman in The Professional. I mean, the only thing that could keep her from being nominated for this movie is the fact that the Academy have no balls, and were afraid that the sexual tension between a preteen Natalie, and Jean Reno would be too controversial...But I still find it hard to believe how well she played that role at such a young age.

Ok, that's all for now...Expect the Oscar blog next week.

Happy Valentines Day

In Honor of Valentines Day I’d like to salute some perfect, yet non traditionally attractive couples. These are people who the stork might have dropped through a forest of ugly trees, but somehow managed to find their mate. These couples are so perfectly matched, I almost believe there is a God. Almost.

I present, Couple Number 1, is there even a need to explain how perfect these two are?

1. Rhea Pearlman & Danny Devito

Couple 2 - Allyce"Ms. Depesto" Beasley & Vincent"I'm creepy but awesome in everything" Schiavelli - sadly this couple divorced and i'm sure their reunion was only prevented by his untimely death. She was nerdy fun on Moonlighting, he was awesome from everything from Fast Times to Better off Dead.

and now onto Couple 3 -
Sarah Gilbert and Johnny Gileki- they have played couples several times starting out on Rosenne, they seem like such a good pairing a younger Danny Devito/Rhea Pearlman combo if you will - however it is not to be, as at least one if not both of them are gay. Don't get me wrong, the Foundation is staunchly pro gay rights and marriage - but these two...damn, these two would be an ugly couple for the ages!

Happy Valentines Day -
I hope someone chooo chooo chooses you and you find your better, and equally ugly half!

RIP Blue Thunder

Sometime between the time I went to bed last night and woke up this morning, I got a text from a friend that said...RIP Blue Thunder. Now, in my blurriness, I thought at first...Jan Michael Vincent died? Then I remembered, he was on Airwolf, so who was in Blue Thunder....OH NO ROY!!!!!!!

A little backstory. Back at the U, I went with a friend of mine from the dorm to another dorm to hang out with his friends from home. When I got there, I got into a room with several people maybe 6, drinking busch lights (or something similar), ordering delivery, and watching Blue Thunder on Umass Cable Access (a truly underrated time of my life, the Umass movie channel would show a mix of old movies, suprisingly new releases, foreign films, and hour long public service announcements about the dangers of binge drinking and riding on the top of elevators). The six or so guys barely noticed I was there, but offered me a beer, and a seat, and I sat there transfixed on the wonder that was Blue Thunder, cheering out the movies hero...Roy Schieder with well placed...Fuck Yeah Roy!'s and the like. Needless to say several of those people are still many of my best friends.

So I'd like to say goodbye to one Roy Scheider. He'll never know, but he's part of a very good memory for me. I look forward to seeing you in the Oscar's Parade of Death.

Late to the Party...Juno Edition

So, I'm making my annual attempt to see all the movies that were nominated for Best Picture...and other major Oscar awards before the show, so I know what the hell is going on...last week, I saw No Country For Old Men. Hand Javier Bardem the Oscar now Friend-O. This week, I saw Juno...Now I was warned by Ms. Duffless that I may want to shoot myself in the head if I hear the soundtrack, but being strongly anti gun, I didn't think that would be a problem. I went to the local theater, and sat down for the show. First things first...I'm not going to go into the movie too much, but I just wanted to say, that while the lead Actress Ellen Page was good, I thought it seemed too much like she was talking like a 30 year old woman was writing her lines for her. Which I guess, in reality she was.
What I really wanted to talk about though is JK Simmons. I have decided to name a new wing to the That Guy Hall of Fame. Now, JK Simmons isn't really someone I'd consider a That Guy...although maybe he is. I mean, he sorta is a That Guy, but he's probably not Hall of Fame worthy. I mean, he's No Taylor Negron. What he is though, is someone that will always be known by a particular role. For instance, Robert Carradine will always be known as Louis Skolnick from Revenge of the Nerds, and come to think of it, Larry B. Scott will always be Lamar Latrell, Curtis Armstrong will always be Booger, and Donald Gibb will always be Ogre! Pat Morita will always be known as Miyagi. And Keith David will always be the Ass to Ass guy from Requiem for a Dream.

JK Simmons will alway be Schillinger from Oz to me. Yes, everyone's favorite white supremacist sexual sadist Vern Schillinger from Oswald Penitentiary in New York. For those who don't know him feel free to familiarize yourself with his Wiki page...of course if you want to watch all the seasons on dvd, perhaps you shouldn't read all the season synopsis.

No matter how many times I see this guy as Spiderman's newspaper editor, as a psychologist on Law and Order (the link between Oz and Law and Order deserves its own blog) or as a cuddly, supportive dad to a pregnant teenaged girl, I'll always remember this guy as the guy who branded a swastika on another mans ass...it's just impossible not to! I feel for JK, I mean, he's a successful working actor that has worked on many successful shows, and some of the biggest movies of the last couple of decades, but to many people he'll always be the guy who was shat upon in the prison gym. For this, JK you are going to be the first Inductee to the Ogre U. Asshole wing of the That Guy Hall of Fame.

Remember, some people may have different opinions of who JK is to them but to me, hell always be big Schill. Congratulations JK, on being the first official inductee!

Tom and Chuck Win It All!

Out of respect to many people I’m keeping this post sports free, however out of disrespect to certain members of Contempt for the World, I’m not keeping this post Tom Petty free.

Had certain members of CFTW (alex) not taunted me by texting Tom Petty (that’s alliteration bitches) hate mail during halftime, perhaps I wouldn’t feel the need to point out Alex’s obvious shortcomings.

I still strongly believe that Alex actually likes Tom Petty – I know he’s much different than Fall Out Boy or whatever emo bullshit Alex is into these days, but my knowledge that Alex CAN actually like good music (see Billy Bragg) makes me feel that he will one day be able to confidently admit that Tom Petty is indeed awesome. Please refer back to my Unified Petty Theory from Feb 2007.

Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers rocked the house and were an excellent choice for half time. I can’t wait to see him this summer and I stand by my belief that Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers are the greatest thing to ever come out of Florida. So FU Alex!

My only other comment is regarding the Superbowl commercials – people are saying these are the funniest ones in years. I didn’t see any commercials that I thought were particularly amusing, barring one. The Coke commercial with Charlie Brown was PHENOMENAL! This commercial worked on every level. It was already funny to see the Stewie blimp fight it out with Underdog, but the second we saw the head of Charlie Brown emerge from behind the building the room went wild. So despite how I might feel about the two teams that played last night, Charlie Brown finally won and all is right in the world!

I'm Fucking Matt Damon!

I have to give mad props to my friend Jill for posting this video on gchat. She of course linked it from Perez Hilton, but F that guy - so I'm linking it from you tube.

Apparently Sarah Silverman just created this video for Jimmy Kimmel's 5th anniversary show. If you didn't know she's been dating him for a few years now. I can't believe that he's had a show for 5 years. I have a love hate relationship with Sarah Silverman, but this is the bee's knees. What I love best is that she got Matt Damon to be in it.

I don't think people realize that he's a funny guy. I'd like to cite the following examples:
1. Spoofing himself in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
2. His completely weird and unexpected yet totally hysterical cameo in Euro Trip: Scotty Doesn't Know
3. His work on SNL, especially as Young Hannibal Lecter (which I can never find online, if you have a link hook me up!!)
4. The fact that for years during interviews he'd sneak in lines in from the song Afternoon Delight without the interviewer noticing.
5. Stuck on You - oh, no wait, that sucked

Anyway, this is the funniest thing I've seen in a while - the only thing that could possibly make this funnier is if she were really fucking Matt Damon - I wish I was.