Patently Offensive? Count me in!

I really didn't have any plans to see The Da Vinci Code, the book was kinda meh. Angels and Demons was pretty good, but overall they are just Grisham's with a bit of history. But now the Vatican has to come out and told the movie to "bring it", and the movie is all like, "its already been broughten", so now its apparently "on."

The big ups at the V'can find the movie/book "Patently Offensive" to Christians. Hey Opie, put that on the poster, cause I'm in. I found the 1 page chapters and Hanks haircut patently offensive, but hey, thats just me. Hanks and your devils haircut, you are now getting my 9 dollars now(that's 4, 2$Beers!) I'm making the ultimate sacrifice in the name of free speech. That being said, I'm just glad the Vatican did start boycotting Will and Grace.

Wes Anderson

I have been a huge Wes Anderson fan for ages, this commercial is brilliant - argue he's a sell out, go ahead, I don't care - this commercial makes up for my disappointment with large chunks of The Life Aquatic. The size and color aren't that good in this clip, it looked amazing on my Tv - keep an eye out for it, this really doesn't do it justice. I'm in love!

UPDATED! Open Letter to the "Boston" River-racist Phoenix

So, I've recieved response from our kind friends at the Phoenix - in an email entitled "Whither Somerville" -
"Thanks for your feedback. I understand your outrage (sort of) but I wouldn't expect any reform soon. The simple reason being that to add another separate category to the movies-listings page would take up space that we often need to list movies and times. A "Cambridge/Somerville" combo category we might consider, but it's not high on our priority list.
Like too many things in this and other publications, the organization of the movie listings is historical. There was a time when there were several more movie theaters in Cambridge than there are now, so giving Cambridge its own heading made complete sense. Plus, back then, we didn't distribute many papers in Somerville. Things have changed, but Cambridge still has more theaters than any of the municipalities we list under suburbs. I'll admit, however, that I hardly think of Somerville as suburban. I see your point and will pass your complaint along to the movie-listings staff. "
- Clif Garboden cgarboden@phx.com
Senior Managing Editor,
Boston Phoenix
126 Brookline Ave., Boston, MA 02215

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Loyal readers, I wanted to share with you one of the more pressing social reforms I am currently working on, my letter to the Phoenix. It is my hope they will learn the error of their ways. River-racism can be stopped in our lifetime, it takes restless citizens with unwaivering ethics to put an end to it. As we kick off 2$ Beer Summer, let me tell you that if the Phoenix does not take swift and immediate action I may have to stage some non-violent protests. If that means a "sit-in" at Sligo and playing the Seeger till this madness stops, so be it! I will do what I have to, I am a patriot!

Open Letter to Boston Phoenix-

Dear Mr. Phoenix,

I am afraid I have discovered a shocking oversight in your publication. In your movie section you currently classify Somerville as "the suburbs" but give Cambridge its own section. Needless to say, I am morally outraged down to the very core of my soul. What kind of sick and twisted illicit cross river love affair has spawned this inequity? Are we Mary Kate, to Cambridge's Ashley - just a little more dirty but you'd still like to nail us in the ass? Somerville will not stand for this kind of second class treatment. We share the "good side" of the river with Cambridge and should afforded the same level of respect. I expect prompt resolution to this egregious situation forthwith!

Disappointedly yours,
Disenfranchised Somerville Resident

I'm BACK!!!

Allright guys, I'm glad you didn't worry enough to call the police and report me missing, because I wasn't...my monitor broke on my computer, and I can't post from work...but I'm back expect some mad posts from me, I have ideas...

But now, Poker is more pressing. It's been over a week.

Intergalactic Planetary

Mmm Star Wars. I've done a fair bit of travelling these past two years. Being a total Star Wars Nerd I can't help but collect these small moments in time. In Germany, I even went to see Episode III in German, despite not speaking any of the language. Geman kids say Yedi instead of Jedi, for like 5 min I thought they were talking about Chewbacca! So here is a collection of my Star Wars related photos from around the globe.



Above is a poster for the Episode III DVD La Revanche des Sith release in Paris, taken in on St. Germaine Oct 2005 on the Left Bank. Later on this evening, I will drink a bottle of wine, party my ass off with Aussies and vomit in my hotel room, Jim Morrison style. The next day almost vomiting in the Louvre, PRICELESS!

This photo was taken at the 2006 Boston St. Patrick's Day Parade. Slightly hung over from a long weekend binge of drinking my ancestors would be proud of, I am still not sure why Darth Vader was in this parade. Is he British? Did St. Patrick drive the snakes off the Death Star? I have no idea. All Hail the Dark Lord. The collective WTF from the crowd was classic. To summarize, Lord Vader made this cold hung over Sunday morning bearable.





This picture is a classic poster of Star Wars that my best buddy Karen took for me while inTorino Italy for the Olypics. There must be some sort of drinking involved in this story, however since I wasn't there, let me just guess she got sauced on a dozen or so cute half pints of guinness, rocked a 3ft bong hit with the US Snowboard team and hit up the Film History Museum. I do love the old school drawing, and check out the bod on Luke, you don't get pecs like that shooting wamp rats!



Southie Back in the House!

And now we are back to Southie this spring, Stormtroopers on parade! They clearly do not walk in single file to hide their number. This reminds me of the classic internet series of stormtroopers doing various things like buying tacos and lined up at the urinal. Well, Southie on St. Pats is kinda like a big outside urinal. I stand corrected!






And now on to GERMANY

I was in Holland, Germany and Austria during the release of Episode III DIE RACHE DER SITH. The english speaking theaters were not in walking distance. I went to the German theater, bought a big ass pretzel and drank a beer while trying to figure out what the hell was going on, I could understand the action scenes, but I couldn't figure out why Anakin went to the dark side, to be honest with you I still don't really know why. For the record, Fuck Hayden Christensen and Fuck George Lucas. F'ing Lucas, how can he bring me so much joy and yet, so, so much pain. Best part of German Star Wars? Vader waking up Frankenstien style, finding out Amedala is dead and screaming NEINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

HIS COLD DEAD HAND!

So I recently heard an awesome story about Elmer McCurdy. He was the bastard offspring of a single 17 year old girl who had sex with her first cousin. He loved to cause trouble and booze it up, in 1911 after robbing a train and vowing to "not be taken alive" he was shot by a rival posse. He netted 46 dollars and two bottles of whiskey in the blundered robbery. He was embalmed but no one claimed the body and the mortician discovered the embalming was eerily lifelike and he could be propped up to stand on his own two feet. He displayed Elmer in his shop for a few years with people paying by putting a nickel in his mouth. He made so much money that touring sideshows always tried to buy the body. Eventually, the mortician was scammed out of the body and it toured the country as the "OUTLAW THAT WOULDN'T GIVE UP." What does this have to do with pop culture, you ask, oh it gets better. The body traveled states and changed owners a few times and eventually was sold to Hollywood as a prop, a very realistic wax figure. It was seen in a few movies and even on display at the Hollywood Wax Museum. Eventually, it fell into the hands of a House of Mirrors type house of fun, called Laff in the Dark a glow in the dark house of fun, how 70s. By this point, the body had been painted florescent day-glo and hung there for 4 years as the Hanging Man.

The Six Million Dollar Man rented the place to shoot an episode and in moving the "prop" his arm fell off and they saw a bone inside! The LA County Coroners office determined that he was no wax dummy, but a man from the 1800s. Dude!!! What a kick ass death. I mean it is sad he was forgotten, but how cool. Think if all the people he came in contact with who had no idea that he was a real live dead body!
Here is a good link: http://www.sideshowworld.com/tgodmummy.html

I don't have much of an appetite thank you

Phillip Seymour Hoffman be damned, hands down the best, most nuanced performance of the year goes to Jeff Daniel Phillips or Ben Weber. I don't know which one is which, but "I don't have much of an appetite Caveman" clearly gave a performance for the ages, and "Duck with Mango Salsa Caveman" gets my nod for best supporting actor. Hysterical performance, perfect pacing, tone, the pursed lips! Sure I have soft spot in my hear for cavemen, ever since Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer, but I stand behind my nod - best performance of 2005! Acting! Plus, if you think about it Geico is trying to sell you insurance, yet clearly they are incompetent and didn't do their research that Cavemen still exist. You have to clap out a company that makes fun of their own incompetence. Fucking Geico, I want to hate them but I just can't!

Crapple Pie

I have been known for making up random and untrue stories, facts and bits of bullshit and convincing my lil' brother of their veracity. This past Christmas my brother regaled me with tales of Apple Pie Flavored Snapple. He claimed that he was drinking with a buddy who told him of this rare and elusive flavor which he claimed tastes like "an apple pie including crust." My brother apparently was swift in his accusations of both bullshit and shenanigans. His friend swore up and down that it was true. I think my years of deception have scarred his fragile little mind. I also called Bullshit on this story, how the hell can it taste like the crust???Was this his attempt to finally pull one over on me successfully? He claimed no, but part of me wasn't sure. I told lil' Petey his mission was clear. You get out there, and you find that fucking Snapple!

I recently returned to pick up my brother for the now famous Atlantic City Adventure, he rushed me to the fridge where he had been storing a Snapple Pie in the fridge since just past Christmas - my dad had been under strict orders "not to touch that fucking Snapple." We photographed the beauty and brought it on our road trip. First of all, who the hell invented this and second of all, it really fucking tastes like an apple pie, including the crust. How can a drink taste like crust??? Who can I blame for this, who willed this into existance, can I blame Republicans? My lazy ass brother has yet to email me the photos, and since i've not blogged in a month, you are getting stock photos you fans o' the foundation!

So get out there and find that fucking snapple, its not good, in fact its rank, but you just can't, not try it.