Yes, its Duffless and I'm back and torturing you again. I absolutely adore cheesy, hammy, overacted soap operaesque crap rock ballads. To set the stage I'll give you some introductory examples:
1. Holding Out for a Hero by Bonnie Tyler, I swear the lyrics were written by a romance novelist. Truly craptacular! Fake thunder sounds, a street-wise Hercules fresh from the fight, does it get any better?
2. Meatloaf's- I'll Do Anything for Love, But I Won't do That. People always joke about what Meatloaf will or won't do, which yes is/was kinda funny - however one of the greatest/crappiest/greatest rock lyrics of all time is found in that song and is always overlooked. "Would you hose me down with holy water, if I get too hot?" So we are to believe that this woman is so enflamed with desire for the Loaf, that nothing short of holy water could possibly cool her down? Classic!
Which brings us to one of my all time favorite Craptastic Power Ballads - which really cannot be fully appreciated without watching the video. Allow me to present - Heart's - All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You.
The gist of the plot -
- On a rainy night, a woman alone picks up a hitchhiker and takes him to a seedy motel room and proceeds to bone him all night and leaves the next day.
- Another rainy night a few years later she finds herself back at that same motel, this time holding her son.
- The hitchhiker now works at the motel's front desk. He looks at her child and immediately recognizes that he is the father because of his similar eyes.
- The women confesses that she loves another man but he couldn't knock her up so she went out to get herself pregged up, but she really appreciated all the orgasms and the gift of her bastard son.
1. Hello, AIDS anyone? This was 1990, people were living in fear of getting AIDS and here is some woman riding(hee hee) around trying to get knocked up.
2. Invitro was readily available in 1990, as was adoption.
3. She not only picked up a stranger on the side of the road, but he didn't even have a coat or an umbrella in the rain - man she got lucky this dude was 90s style hot.
3a. Despite the lyrics clearly stating that he was indeed wearing no coat, you see that in the video he is wearing a cool guy leather jacket and at one point has apparently and gentlemanly given it to her to wear over her shoulders - he only removes it to make sweet and tender love to her. Also note that despite the rain, when he gets in the car he's some how completely dry.
4. She left the next morning, and we are supposed to believe he was upset about this?? Sounds like the ideal situation for him, you have to presume she paid for the room the night before. Free sex and no awkward morning after,dream come true! If a 90s Wilson sister bangs you, you pray, PRAY, she is gone the next morning, especially if its Anne or is it Nancy, which ever the shittier, fatter one is - I can't tell, its all in soft focus and slimming black side panels.
5. Notice the blonde Wilson sister worshiping her phallic like guitar at the 1:20 mark and at the end of the video. All hail the powerful sperm filled cock!
6. He loved that women who boned him so much that he got a job working at the motel so she could find him? Yeah, creepy PSYCHOs never work at motels.
7. He determined paternity based on eye color. WTF
8. If you are in a highschool english class where your teacher just showed you that songs are really poetry, listen up you can use these next subtle metaphors: "He brought the woman out of me, So many times, easily" - OH YEAH!!!
"And in the morning when he woke all, I left him was a note, I told him I am the flower you are the seed We walked in the garden We planted a tree" - I don't get this one, its far too subtle for me, pure poetry! Andrew Marvell move over!
Well, I hope you've enjoyed this flashback. Remember, wrap that shit.
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