Sunday, November 19, 2006

Statute of Limitations

The Duffless Foundation came upon a situation where it felt it could do some real good for society. A situation came up where I was gmail chatting with a Friend of the Foundation (FOF for future reference). During the conversation I was relaying a story about when I was in the movie theater in Beautiful Revere Massachusetts seeing The Sixth Sense...when near the end, when you figure out that Bruce Willis' character is in fact dead already, a woman sitting behind me yelled out, "I knew he was dead!" over and over again. In my attempt to tell a story, I never thought that I may run into an issue that the person I was speaking to might not have seen the movie yet. I mean, the movie was out in 1999! This FOF took solace in the fact that he was one of two people in the world who didn't know the ending. To him I said...FU, you can't be pissed at me for revealing the secret to a movie that not only has 99.9% of the population seen, but that was released in a previous decade, nay MILLENIUM!!!!

It was decided that The Duffless Foundation will now set the guidelines for when you can talk about movies without consequence...A Statute of Limitations. Follow these guidelines and you can worry not about being a douche, you are covered by our Douche Free Guarantee.

The Duffless Founcation Decrees that up until a movie is released on DVD or six months after the release of the film in theaters, you need to ask someone whether or not they've seen the movie before discussing any part of the plot and or quoting any particularly memorable or funny lines.

This situation is different in the case of a movie with either a twist, or a mystery...a la The Sixth Sense. A 1 year cushion will be added. After one year of release of the dvd, a person is no longer required any courtesy in talking about the movie.

Depending on how much you like the person, if a film is outside of this one year period, and makes it clear to you that they haven't seen it, it is your discretion as to whether or not you reveal the plot twist/quote.

After 5 years of being released, not only will you be completely absolved of any douchebaginess for revealing anything about the movie. Also, if someone still hasn't seen the movie, it is up to your discretion whether or not you want to make fun of them or not.

So to recap.

Length of time before you do not need to ask someone whether or not they've seen a movie before mentioning plot and or quotes:

6 Months or DVD Release. No Plot twists or Special Circumstances
1 Year after DVD Release. Plot Twists or Special Circumstances.

5 Years after release of movie, No douchebaginess/make fun of person.

Thank you very much, any questions can be sent to Fuge.dufflessfoundation@gmail.com

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Lard Clock Catastrophe

Now don't get me wrong, one thing I love more than a good donut is John Goodman. I love a skinny-ish John Goodman in Revenge of the Nerds, I love a fat John Goodman in almost everything. I especially loved when John Goodman seemed to spend a year or two randomly appearing on SNL for seemingly no reason. I think he just thought it was funny. Goodman as Linda Tripp, pure hilarity.

But all I'm saying is this, if I were running a huge donut company, I don't think John Goodman would be my go to guy for voiceover work.

Chocolate Frosted Cake Donut, 360 calories, 20 grams of fat - - soooo f'ing good, and soooo f'ing unhealthy - mmmmmm Goodman.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack to the State House Again.


Apparently, for only $5.95 billed to your cell phone or credit card, you can do a walking tour of Boston narrated by the scarved one himself, Steven Tyler. Run by TalkingStreets.com, this tour "Rebels and Dreamers of Boston", starts off in the Public Gardens and takes you on a historical tour of the city, narrated by Steven Tyler.

You can hear a sample here: http://www.talkingstreet.com/tours_freepreview.php?tourid=bos

I really don't know what else to say about this, its just so weird.
The Lower East Side of NYC one is narrated by Jerry Stiller, now THAT might get my 6 bucks!

Saturday, November 04, 2006

I want my Two Dollarism.

Well, I could blame the Loch Ness Monster, Big Ben/Parliament or Maryland Crabs for my recent MIA status, but that only accounts for 2 missing weeks, lets chalk the rest up to a mean case of the lazies. But I'm back, and will try to post more - and despite my attempts to kill Nessie with a hammer, he/she is still swimming around the Highlands.

While listening to my ipod on my journey, I discovered something new to love, something so awesomely funny it is found in a rare few songs. What is this? Well, I'm glad you asked. My new favorite thing is when a song unexpectedly has a 2 Dollar word. Prior to this, my favorite cheesy terrible song feature was the use and abuse of thunder.

Below you will find two of my favorite examples of what I like to call Two Dollarism. Yes, I know the expression is 25Cent word, but at the foundation we enjoy 2 Dollar Beer Summer, the "I want my two dollars" kid, and these songs are at least 4x better than anything 50cent ever recorded, so I'm sticking with it. If you have more examples, use the comments section and go down in the annals of pop culture history. I said annals.

Example 1 - Jessie's Girl - Rick Springfield

"Y'know I feel so dirty when they start talkin' cute
I wanna tell her that I love her but the point is prob'ly moot
'Cause she's watchin' him with those eyes
And she's lovin' him with that body, I just know it
And he's holdin' her in his arms, late late at night "

Ok, he just worked the word Moot, into what is arguably one of the top 20 Eighties songs. Moot! Not to mention, I love the way he says "I just know it", it sounds like a verbal shaking of the fist...I love the irony of having such a word like Moot in what is a sugary pop song.



Example 2 - Cleaning Out My Closet - Eminem
"Now I would never diss my own mama just to get recognition, take a second to listen who you think this record is dissin', but put yourself in my position, just try to envision witnessin'your Mama poppin' prescription pills in the kitchen, bitchin' that someone's always goin'through her purse and shits missin', going through public housing systems, victim of Munchausen's Syndrome, my whole life I was made to believe I was sick when I wasn't 'til I grewup, now I blew up, it makes you sick to ya' stomach, doesn't it"

Munchausen's Syndrome, really? Did Eminem just rhyme missin with Munchausen's Syndrome? Classic! Now thats a Two Dollarism if I've ever heard one. Although, to be technical, I believe Mr. Mathers was a victim of Munchausen's by Proxy, which is when the parent gets attention by making the child ill, as opposed to Munchausen's when the person makes themselves ill, but I'll let it slide this time. Send us your Two Dollarisms!