I've reached the Dark Tower at last.

Last night marked a milestone for ol’ Duffless, I finally finished The Dark Tower.

I started it on 11/10/2004 and finished it on 4/22/2008 in a conference room in the Merrimack Valley at 9:02pm.

Yes, that’s right, 3 years, 5 months and 12 days later I’m finally done.

A mere 1259 days from when I started, or 179 weeks, or 30,216 hours, or 1,812,960 minutes (well you get the picture).

It’s been an epic journey in “slow reading”, and much like Roland I took a few friends with me to the Tower. Fellow blogger, Tiger Daisy, (a known reading machine) started it a few weeks after me and plowed through the series at an alarming rate – I think she finished the whole thing in less than 6 months. The benefit, I got her used copies.

Soon after my brother aka “The Boy” joined me on this journey. The Boy is a notorious “slow reader”. It’s not that he reads slowly, it’s that he drags out the completion of books to epic proportions. He took over 2 years reading The Stand, M-O-O-N that spells a fucking long time.

Once he learned about the scope of the Dark Tower, he was on board for this feat of Duffless family literary endurance.

As of this writing, The Boy is about 60 pages into the final book. I have been about a book ahead of him this whole time, but the mission is not to reach the ending quickly, rather to un-artificially drag it out as long as possible, while still working towards reaching the Tower. We read it slowly because it’s what must be done! It’s what makes us who we are! It’s not about winning; my completing first was not a victory, just a mile-marker on the road, or as Stephen King and my friend Dan like to say, it's not the ending its the journey. Dan stole that from King - bastard!

I bought the first book, The Gunslinger, at the The Paperback Exchange. This is the used bookstore at the front of the neighborhood where I grew up. I like going there to pick up cheap paperbacks when I'm back home, usually Stephen King. My mom used to tell me when they would get a new crop of King books, or when they would go on sale. (An interesting to only two people side story -the lady who runs the shop has lived in our neighborhood for like 35 years and is a notorious gossip – the last time The Boy and I were in there, she asked my brother about one of his friends also from the neighborhood, and then told us she hated him and his family and would not piss this friend if he was on fire – harsh words from an old bag!). I digress.

I have been doing another related gauntlet of sorts; I have been on a mission to read every Stephen King book. It started in 1988 with IT and it’s been an epic battle; it seems each time I finish one he has written 2 more. Now that I’ve completed the Dark Tower Series, I have read most of his longer works, but I still have a lot of reading to do. I think another blog post should be devoted to my figuring out where I stand, I think at one point I was around the 50% mark, but he’s writing them faster than I’m reading them, so I’d guess I’m now only about 33% done, but we shall see.

So let’s talk a little bit about The Dark Tower. It’s a 7 volume series written by Stephen King. He started it 34 years ago, but the first book wasn’t published till the early 80s. Before he was even a famous writer, he was working on his first drafts of The Gunslinger (BTW, if you are considering reading the Dark Tower, I suggest getting the revised edition of the Gunslinger, since he made a few edits to tie the series together better.)

If you base your count on the trade paperback editions the books vary in length from the shortest (The Gunslinger @ 336 pages) to the longest, the final book (The Dark Tower @ a wopping 1072 pages). In total the trade paperback editions come in at 4,768 pages. WOOT! The books all vary, its hard to classify the series, its part western, part sci-fi, part horror, part adventure, part crime let alone all the glorious pop culture references and so on and so forth.

What I find most interesting is that since Stephen King started writing these books in the early 70s, he created characters and elements that are injected into many of his other books. Direct connections can be made from the Dark Tower series to books, such as Salem’s Lot, Eyes of the Dragon, The Stand, Rose Madder, Hearts in Atlantis, and on and on and on, it was even referenced in the latest King movie The Mist (which kicked ass btw).

You do not need to have read the Dark Tower to read his other books, and vice versa, but its pretty funny to realize that he’s connected all these worlds and you didn’t even notice it until you started down Tower road. I had always wanted to read the Dark Tower, but never started it because it wasn’t complete until 2004. He took his sweet ass time in finishing the books that’s for sure. But he just wasn’t ready for the series to be complete. However, after his brush with death he felt compelled to finish them at last. He even told fans basically, “yeah, I know I’m being a dick but I’m just not ready to finish”. I love how King is a fan of things himself, and understands his audience’s (Dear Readers) frustration. I think Kings a cool dude, very down to earth in my opinion. I remember how sad and pissed my friend Dan was when King was hit by the minivan having only finished half the series – at the time I was reading the Stand and Dan kept trying to get me to start the Dark Tower –I think he just wanted an other person to feel his pain

So now that I’m done, I have this urge/need to go back and reread the connected books, at the time I didn’t realize the connections. However, that would back-track me on my progress towards finishing all his books. I feel torn on the issue, like I’m being ripped apart by lobstrosities, I need some astin and maybe a bottle of Nooz a-la. Perhaps I will focus on Tower connected books I haven’t read yet, so I guess its time for The Black House, Eyes of the Dragon and Insomnia to name a few. Damn, those are all long too (but not as long as this blog post)! If you are considering starting it, word is they are being turned into a movie series by J.J. Abrams, so I'd suggest getting cracking now and I suggest the illustrated editions, they are cool.

But I love the challenge; I love the idea of plugging away at something for the sheer joy of completing an epic task. I’ve assigned myself two other tasks this summer:

1. walk all 11 miles of the MinuteMan trail out to Bedford and

2. finally tackle War and Peace (or at least start it, its been on my to do list since 1992).

I now need to find who will come on these journeys with me, and who will be ka-tet.

But Thats In Ohio...

Many of you will recognize the title of this blog as a line in a movie. If you don't recognize it, please go watch Revenge of the Nerds Post Hast...POST HASTE!!!!
Ok, but to remind you all, the line happens when Stan Gable, the Star Quarterback and President of Alpha Beta Fraternity asks Dudley Dawson (AKA Booger) "What are you looking at, Nerd?". Booger responds by saying..."I thought I was looking at my Mother's Old Douchebag, but that's in Ohio".
This leads into a new Foundation Blog Series...to go along with many other series that the Foundation has started, and not necessarily finished...
The Foundation Biggest Douchebags of Film Series.
Now, this is not a competition, or list, And surely you will be able to think of bigger douchebags than the ones that I post, but this is hopefully going to be an ongoing series highlighting the biggest douchebag characters in movie history.
Anyway, here we go. Todays entry into the Foundation Biggest Douchebags of Film Series is:

Rick (played by Steve Antin, who later appeared in Goonies as another douchebag: Troy), one of the trio of main characters in the 1982 comedy Last American Virgin.

First off a bit of a plot summary, Rick, Gary (played by Lawrence Monoson, who later played Eric Stoltz' friend in Mask, who was supposed to go on the motorcycle trip with him) and David (played by Joe Rubbo, who appeard in an uncredited role as Wrestler in The World According To Garp) are high school friends who pretty much try to figure out ways to get laid.
Needless to say, in true 80's fashion, Gary ends up falling for Monique from Better off Dead, Hijinks ensue, I would give a better Summary, but really, the movie is summed up quite well in the following video, and it has a nice James Ingram Soundtrack to boot...(from the soundtrack of the movie, which is TREMENDOUS).



What A DOUCHEBAG!

And to Monique, (actually her name was Karen in the movie, but how can I call her anything but Monique) You really dissapoint me too! You are definitely a Douchebag too! How could you hurt Gary so? You're just not nearly as big of a Douchebag as Rick...so you get off easy.

2008 Oscar Blogtacular

Ok, I know that I’ve taken my time on this, I seem to always take too long to get this blog out, and I’m not sure if it means that the quality is higher…I wish it was, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t help at all. So, what was the inspiration to finally start writing this blog? Well, one, I finally picked up the notes I took from the Oscars Party from the duffless compound after forgetting it twice...And then with a la/vegas trip (blog to come soon), another sickness, and the better part of two weeks figuring out what tv to buy...I'm finally ready to post it....so without any further ado, here it is, the 2008 Foundation Oscar Blog.



It’s Oscar night at the Duffless Compound, some background, I’ve seen three best picture nominees, the most since that magical 1997 season, when I saw all five. I’ve seen: There Will Be Blood, No Country For Old Men and Juno. All three I enjoyed…Of the Three I feel that No Country is the favorite to win the Best Picture. Blood was great, but really to me it was almost three hours of Daniel Day Lewis being F’n Awesome, but it wasn’t necessarily a great movie. And Juno, which I liked ended up bugging me, because I find it really hard that any teenage girl would talk like a 30 year old hipster woman. Anyway, I really think that No Country will win, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll pick it for the Oscar Pool. This year, I have a new system…I’m going for a best picture winner that I don’t think anyone else will take, and hope that I build up enough points with the technical/foreign/documentary categories. We’ll see how it works. I don’t want to give away my whole system, but, later on, I'll give a couple of hints.



I arrive at the compound with a 30 pack of the Silver Bullet, to give to the duffless brother as spoils for the Giants beating the Patriots in the Super Bowl. It was painful, yet cathartic, it was like I could finally put the season behind me. Of course I still had to deal with my brother in law and his father, but whatever, the Knicks are so bad, the Empire State needed a win.

Ok, enough sports for now…Back to the Oscar Party.

To warm up the crowd, we watch the SNL skit from the night before entitled I Drink Your Milkshake, Bill Hader did a good Daniel Plainview from There Will Be Blood…to be honest, let’s just say that the Daniel Plainview Character may be the most quotable character in years, I mean, totally hilarious. Fred Armisen’s Anton Cigurh, was not as good, but whatever. We watched this roughly a half dozen times, and each time it would spark foundation friends in variations of the plainview., a favorite was the “I’ve Abandoned my (fill in the blank)~!!!! For example, if you left your beer on the counter “I’ve abandoned my Bud Light!!!, I’ve Abandoned My Bud Light!!!!” Classic.

Some early comments from the peanut gallery regarding the red carpet…Tilda Swinton Frightens me…
Tilda needs some tan in a can
Ryan Seacrest looks like a priest.

8:30 Broadcast Starts….How soon before John Stewart goes Political, or talks about the Writers strike…The writers strike is mentioned right away…the Political stuff comes a bit later.

8:37 they show Daniel Day Lewis...prompting an “I’ve Abandoned My Moustache!!!” from me. I wish the moustache was more prominent these days.

8:40 They show Tilda Swinton in the crowd…She’s sitting with the people from Michael Clayton…I mention, I’d love to see her sit with the 3/6 Mafia…I think her head would explode.

8:41 Early nomination for Stewart Joke of the night…which is funny because several of us mentioned that we can’t believe that Norbit is nominated for an oscar….

“Even Norbit is nominated tonight…you know, it’s too often that the academy ingnores movies that aren’t good!”

8:43 First award is for Costume Design, and I’m not sure, but I’m pretty sure it that Lisa Loeb just won an oscar…if it wasn’t lisa, it was some other girl with cute hipsterish glasses.

8:47 George Clooney is up to introduce the first (of many) montage of the night…I’m not even sure what the montage is about, but from the peanut gallery “are they going to end the montage with Heath Ledger”

8;54 I’m 0 for 2 in my oscar picks, as I was sure the animated movie from Iran would win over Ratatouille…but alas, rats 1 iranian nil

8:56 And we have the first Orchestral interruption of a long speech, when the Rat guy gets musically pushed off stage…it’s a quick start to the orchestra, I expect many more of these.

8:58 Apparently the Orchestra has NO Patience with French People, for the second time already they’ve given the Musical Push to a French person.

9:00 Amy Adams is out to introduce the first best song category (I really wish Anton Cigurh would go up behind her and hit her with the air gun cattle thing) Enchanted is nominated for 3 of 4 best songs…F’ that noise.

9:07 Can you Smelllllllll, what the visual effects are cooking?!?!?!! Why is the Rock qualified to be an oscar presenter? I stand by this, I will call it the Duane Johnson/Jessica Alba rule, until you have been in a movie of note, you can NOT present anything other than the technical merit categories that are taped beforehand at a special ceremony.

9:08 In oscar pool news The Golden Compass’ win in Visual effects has me at 2 for 3 so far…I’m looking pretty good.

9:12 The winner for Art Direction gets yet another musical push…Sweeney Todd be damned says the orchestra.

9:13 Montage number 2…Looks like they are showing all the best supporting actors winner….must be their plan, show all the different major categories and all the winners…Louis Gossett Jr…truly did not capitalize on his oscar for Officer and a Gentleman huh?

9:17 The Winner for Best Moustache in a starring role? Phillip Seymour Hoffman.

9:18 Javier Bardem wins for Best Supporting Actor…First off, in a movie where there are really only three main characters…how do they figure out who the Lead Actor is? I mean, he was in like 70 percent of the movie wasn’t he? Anyway, he wins, there hasn’t been a runaway like this since Coke Classic vs New Coke.

9:25 A song from the movie August Rush…and it involves a Choir. It may need a second blog, but I’m a HUGE fan of choirs. I mean, especially when involved in an 80’s rock song, like Foreigner’s I Want To Know What Love Is. And Madonna’s Like A Prayer. I even watched the first episode of Battle of The Choirs before my roommate made fun of me, and I felt too shamed to watch any future episodes.

9:30 I am pretty sure the Oscars just showed Owen Wilson to prove to everyone that he is still alive.

9:31 I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again… I hate animated presenters…F’ That. I mean, I’d be so pissed if I won an oscar, and the person presenting it was an animated Bee voiced by Jerry Seinfield. Upstaged by a fuckin’ bee montage….f’ that.

9:33 The Winner of best animated short for Peter and the Wolf come up….and the guy brings a doll that inspired them to make the film, it’s creepy, and I wonder why he had to bring it on stage. It looks like a doll from one of the Puppet Master movies.

9:34 The Oscars of 2008 may be known as the Montage Oscars…Another montage, this one for former Best Supporting Actresses.

9:36 Post Montage, I think Ruby Dee actually had a stroke on camera…it’s a risk you take when you nominate the elderly.

9:38 The Best Supporting Actress is also the winner of the actress with the least amount of Pigment…Tilda Swinton. Her dress looks like a trashbag...

9:38, They just showed Michael Clayton’s writer Tony Gilroy, and I think h e’s doing his best to look like Jesus.

9:38 from SJ, re Tilda, She’s So Shiny…doesn’t she have someone to put some powder on her?

9:39 Tilda makes a point to say that the oscar statue, looks like her agent…including it’s ass…Those brits are always so whacky with their speeches.

9:42 Some will remember a few years back, that I challenged myself to drink more PBR’s than Jack Nicholson appearances on the Oscars. I was on the top of my game then, and beat him 16 to 14 or something like that. Tonight, I’m coming off strep throught, so I’m not in the best shape, but due to the montages, there has been less Jack sightings, and I’m up on him 6 to 2. Although, I’ll actually call it 5.5 to 2 due to a tragic spilliage incident earlier in the night. I received a party foul, much deserved.

9:44 Jessica Alba is Hot, but unlike what John Stewart just said, she is NOT a fantastic actress, in fact, I’ve named an award after her…The Jessica Alba award for people who have yet to act in a decent film, who have no business at all presenting Oscars, but since they are HOT they are asked to be on the broadcast.

9:45 They are giving away the technical awards, and are showing stock footage of the event that took place earlier. I’m pretty sure they are still showing the same footage from 1984 and if we were watching in HD, we’d be able to tell for sure.

9:49 And another oscar staple, it’s time for the Academy President speech. Always time to get a drink or food or whatever. Speaking of that, I think they snuck the Price Waterhouse Cooper guys in at the beginning of the show.

9”52 This year’s Jessica Alba Award winner….Miley Cyrus!

10:02 Seth Rogen and Jonah hill are on…a role that has been filled by Jack Black and Will Ferrell recently, and thankfully no longer Ben Stiller. It’s the comedy portion of tonights broadcast. I’m so happy, because Jonah Hill has mispronounced Halle Barre’s name about 13 times.

10:04 From the Peanut Gallery…Before Editing did this guy train white tigers? Tizzle

10:07 and there it is, Editors getting the musical push

10:09 The Mixing oscar winner has the laziest eye, I’ve ever seen.
10:13 The chick from La Vie En Rose has just won best actress, I think she may be the 12th French person to win,

10:28 Someone decided it would be a good idea to drink a sip of beer every time a movie came up in the Best Picture Montage that you had seen…8 people vomited, and 2 have been sent to the hospital with possible alcohol poisoning.

10:29 In Oscar pool news I just scored a big win with Bourne Identity sweeping the Editing categories. Both sound and film. I’m now tied for the lead.

10:31 There is a debate on what weighs more…A Pregnant Nicole Kidman, or the gaudy necklace she is wearing.

10:34 Robert Boyle wins an honorary oscar. I’m pretty sure he qualified because he is old enough to remember an unwrinkled attractive Jessica Tandy.

10:42, I swear, Penelope Cruz will always have a place at the Oscars announcing the Foreign Language Film. Speaking of Foreign Language film, I just took the lead in the oscar pool. How? Well, when there isn’t an overwhelming favorite in the foreign language category, if any of the films are about Nazi’s, go with it. Nazi’s and retarded people win Oscars.

10:45 Patrick Dempsey is on right now…I am glad the academy is finally showing him the respect he deserves for his role in Can’t Buy Me Love.

10:46 The last of three enchanted songs has been performed….We’ve muted them all.

10:48 John Travolta is on the screen right now…All I can say is FU.

10:51 Once pulls the upset much to the delight of Once fan Duffless. Enchanted had 3 songs, but couldn’t pull it off. But in the worst ever Orchestral Push, The female part of the duo goes to speak, and the orchestra comes on…This is absolutely ridiculous, a travesty.

10:56 We’re back, and the Oscars do the right thing by bringing the woman back onto the stage to let her say what she had to say, a riot in Somerville was avoided and John Stewart looks like a hero.

11:01 It’s time for the Parade of Dead!!!!!

I’ve written down columns to fill in…One is marked, Didn’t know they were dead. One is marked Loud Applause and one is marked When Will they put Heathe Ledger in. First of all, apparently no one really famous died last year, it’s all behind the scenes people it seems…second, they orchestra is playing, so you can’t hear the ovations from the crowd…Third, they wait for ledger till the end, and leave him on the screen for an awkward amount of time.

11:11 Oscar Pool update, I’ve just taken the lead with 11 correct answers…I’ll now give my system for this years picks…In categories where they are no brainers…go with it….So Bardem and Lewis. In categories where you think there is a favorite, but it’s not clear cut…go with a wild card entry. In the documentaries, go with something about the war. And if it’s in the foreign film categories, go with something about Nazis….If it ever comes down to two acting roles, pick the one that involves being a retard, terminally ill, or substance abusers….follow that and you’ll have as good a shot as anyone.

11;13 The oscar for outstanding Skinematography goes to….opens envelope…Seal!

Why is he even at the Oscars?

Oh yeah, his wife is wicked hot.

11:14 We have the first political speech of the night…I wonder if people are hesitant to talk about Iraq, or Palestine, or Darfur or whatever due to the threat of musical push? I mean if you can’t thank your millions of agents and handlers and producers and fluffers and whatnot, without getting pushed off by the music…how can you be expected to stick up for regions that are stricken by war and famine? Priorities!

11:25 Diablo Cody…let me tell you, this was ALMOST as big of a no brainer as the male acting categories…I mean, do you think anyone WASN’T going to vote for the chick with the tattoos and pinup model haircut who used to be a stripper? It’s a feel good story!

I can just picture one of the people from E earlier….Diablo, who did your dress…This is a dress from Pebbles Flintstones collection.

Patty points out that it’s awesome that Diablo didn’t wear a dress that covered up her tats…

11:31 I’m not some guy that’s into the Mature women fetish or anything…but Hellen Mirren, has a great rack.

11:34 The oscar for best imitation of Ed Harris…and the oscar goes to…Viggo Mortensen…And while we are at it, did Viggo Mortensen get nominated for best actor, or was it specifically his junk?

11:34 In the biggest No Brainer of the night, Daniel Plainview and his son and partner H.W win Best actor. I’m waiting for him to break into the Basket in a Basket, but he keeps his speech very respectful, and tame. I’VE ABANDONED MY CHILD!!!

11:43 Martin Scorcese’s Eyebrows are up to announce best picture, and the winner is…No Country for Old Men. I have to clap out the Coen brothers facial hair stick to itiveness. One has a moustache, I’m always a fan. And one with a beard wearing a skinny hipster suit. I’m glad they won, I didn’t pick them in the oscar pool, I went with Michael Clayton. I figured that Old Men and Blood MAY split, so I’d go with the darkhorse, plus I figured everyone would pick one of the other two movies, so if it came down to it, I could pull out a miracle with the pick. That being said, it doesn’t matter…The coen Brothers winning for best Director was enough, I ;pulled out the oscar pool victory, and walked home with 75 dollars!!! Wooo hooo.

Here’s a recap of the night…Duffless Compound, There Will Be Blood Orange Punch, Bill Hader, Tilda Swinton’s pasty, More famous people need to die, Punch is good, drinking is more fun when you don’t have to work thbe next day.

Come back soon, to see my recap of LA/Las Vegas