The Oscar Blog 07

Allright, you may ask yourself, why did it take so long to post a blog about the oscars? Well, I have no real excuse...but I hope to not dissapoint with the effort I'm about to undertake. So without further ado...

Fuge's Second Oscars Blogtacular...

A slight change of venue this year, as instead of being home alone drinking by myself, this year Duffless opened up the compound to friends of the foundation...for an Oscars Special Viewing Party. Another difference this year is that I was sick all weekend (great for my Duffless Foundation Mission to bring Pop Culture greatness to Canada let me tell you) so I wasn't able to match my drinking escapades of years past...I hope this won't take away from your entertainment value...I'd like to think that I can still bring you as much entertainment without the help of mass amounts of alcohol, but who am I kidding?

Well anyway, without further ado for the second time:

6:45 Pm Duffless Compound and the first ever Duffless Foundation Oscars Special Viewing party...Beer, Snacks, Friends, 2 tvs, and good times for all. E on the tv, oscars pool sheets being filled out, we're ready to go.


A few questions from the pregame show that I have...First off, why is Ryan Seacrest famous again? He doesn't seem to have any talent, he isn't funny, he's not incredibly good looking, in fact I'm pretty sure that he must have some kinda dirty pictures that he's using to blackmail various network heads and executives.
Is Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu actually Julio Iglesias from 20 years ago?






How difficult a choice was it for Meryl Streep to choose what child she brought with her to the Oscars?

Since I'm watching the Oscars in a crowd this year, I'll be sure to bring you the great quotes from the peanut gallery.

You see, I'm not a woman, therefore I don't think the same way as women do, and I was quite sure of this while watching the red carpet, normally my critique of people coming up the carpet would be "She looks hot" or "He has awful hair". But women take it to another level...My favorite example was this:

"Beyonce Looks Less Oily Than She Usually Does"

"Yeah, She Looks Like She Forgot The Body Butter"

What does that mean?

I don't know...well anyway, On to the show.

8:30 PM Apparently everyone who was ever nominated was involved in some sort of a montage, I love a montage, but this was tough, Basically it was a bunch of people you've never heard of saying how many times they've been nominated and yet they've never won.

Peter O'Toole is shown...I'm going to need proof that this guy isn't already dead...He looks worse than the nazi's after they opened the arc of the covenant in Raiders of the Lost Arc.

8:40 PM The show actually starts. People were wondering what Ellen DeGeneres would be wearing...I'm not sure, but I think it's the tux Beetlejuice wears when he's going to marry Winona Ryder.

They are calling this The Most International Oscars...Ellen incorrectly calls Penelope Cruz a mexican...Awesome...and one of the best supporting actresses from Babel's dates has the best moustache of all time!

8:46 I think by law I have to root for Jennifer Hudson, because we share the same last name...but I think I'd really rather have Dame Judy Dench win or something.

8:47 The first of many jokes about Al Gore losing the election to George Bush...You gotta love those whacky zany liberals making fun of themselves.

8:48 Host Ellen DeGeneres makes a joke about how if there were no Blacks, Jews or Gays in hollywood there would be no Oscars (Duffless from the Peanut Gallery: Sorry Mexicans!)

8:49 and here comes the first award...and Nicole Kidman is handing it out for Art Direction...Apparently no one gave her any artistic direction on picking out her dress with a huge f'n bow on the shoulder.

And Pan's Labyrinth wins...Mexico...Mexico...Mexico.

8:53 and the honor of giving out awards to technical and scientific people that aren't important enough to be on the real show?....Maggie Gyllenhaal...Great job pretending you were interested.

8:57 And apparently it's a musical spot with Will Ferell and Jack Black. Two people who are teetering on the line of never being able to star in a movie by themselves ever again.

Sidenote, I can't decide if Will's hair looks more like an early 80's John McEnroe, Epstein from Welcome Back Kotter or Little Orphan Annie.

Why don't you decide:

Will Ferrell Jack Black Oscar Video








The musical rendition is awesome...A highlight being John C. Reilly explaining that you need to take serious roles, like he did in Boogie nights...All three sexually harrassing Dame Helen Mirren, and Will saying that Marky Mark was actually pretty badass.


9:03 It's historic...The makeup guy from Pan's Labyrinth is the first person to get the gentle nudge from the Orchestra for talking too long....The Musical Push!

9:04 I think Will Smith's son has too many names.

9:06 They are doing some oscar for Short right now...Some Danish people are nominated, and apparently they aren't part of the cool international oscars because they are seated right next to the johns or something.

And West Bank Story (a musical?) I'm intrigued.

9:15 In another reason why the oscars go long every year, they have a choir of people who are doing sound effects on the stage right now...Couldn't they have gotten Michael Winslow to show up and do 2 minutes and save some time?

(from the peanut gallery...Duffless again, I want to hear them make fake fart sounds!)

9:22 is there any doubt in anyone's mind that Apocolypto is not winning a single thing tonight? And yes, I think it has something to do with Mel Gibson's thoughts on the Jews.

925 Someone who is nominated for something, who is probably International has just received the second Musical Push.

9:26 First big category...Best Supporting Actor. Eddie Murphy is the favorite. I think Marky Mark may pull it out...Jackie Earle Haley is of course the one I really want to win, because I want him to mention his role of Kelly Leak...Djimon Honsou chooses the best roles ever, he's been nominated like 3 times, and has only done 4 movies as far as I can tell.

And the winner is...Alan Arkin! Who's crass talking, heroin smoking, grandfather in Little Miss Sunshine was hilarious, but a role that seemed too small for me to win, I'm happy though.

Speaking of that, I'm pretty sure Eddie Murphy won, but then the academy got wind of Norbit and rescinded it's vote. I mean, NORBIT?

9:29, Martin Scorcese's eyebrows are some kind of simbiotic relationship, I'm sure of it.

9:35 This can't be good, Randy Newman is playing piano for James Taylor. Time to grab a snack!

9:36 They are going through the nominees for Best Song. I'm pretty sure that this is the first time in the past 20 years that Phil Collins hasn't been nominated for an oscar for a disney film. And it's only because 3 of the songs are from Dreamgirls. Also Melissa Etheridge is nominated, her girlfriend apparently used to be or still is Lou Diamond Phillips' ex wife, and had David Crosby's baby. I think she should have Steven Stills' baby next.

9:41 They just showed Jerry Seinfield in the crowd and it looked like he just smelled someone elses fart.

9:47 If I was drinking this year, and I had to have more beer drank than Jack Nicholson Sitings, I'd have to have had 4 beers by now.

9:49 George Miller is on stage, he's either wearing a weird scarf, or he has a medical condition that left him with no shoulders.

9:53 Were I not sick, and a pussy, I'd just have had to drink my 5th beer.

9:54 Tom Hanks is onstage, and his hair is much better than it was when he was in the Davinci Code phase.

9:57 That's Six Nicholsons
9:58 Make That 7!

9:59 after a somewhat emotional acceptance speech, the writer for the departed get's a slight musical push...I'll call it a nudge.

10PM 1st beer cracked...Miller High Life Light...I'm pretty sure at this point last year I was 11 beers deep.

1006 I'm pretty sure they just showed Billy Dee Williams, but I can't get confirmation...

1008 The lady who won for costume designer, you'd expect her to be more fashionable. She's dressed up like a school principal or something.

1013...Sherri Lansing just got an award for being a good humanitarian. Her arms are skinnier than a famin victim.

1015 This year there were two movies about 19th century magicians. We haven't had that much overkill since 2 movies about Steve Prefontaine came out at the same time.

10:20 The sillhoutte people making shapes to go along with the movies, just used props...that shouldn't be allowed.

1027 I'm pretty sure that the director of the Oscars has told his camerapeople, if someone starts babbling in a speech, please put a camera on Beyonce's Rack.

10:35 Upset special number 2, Pan's Labyrinth which won every technical oscar in the book, just lost to a German movie for Best Foreign Film, that's like a 15 seed beating a 2 seed in the NCAA championships.

10:36 Faye Dunaway really, really looked like a witch.

10:37 The Sillhouette crew just pulled off snakes on a plane...Good for them! Sidenote, Samuel L Jackson has now starred in yet another movie with Snake in the title. Black Snake Moan. Apparently the movie stars him and Christina Ricci's panties.

10:38 In one of the 3 no brainer categories, Jennifer Hudson wins for Dreamgirls...when she starts stumbling in her speech, they show Beyonce's rack again.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say, this is the last time she'll every be nominated for anything.

10:47 They are doing a short category again, and apparently...US people don't like to make short movies...I wonder why?

10:55 What's more of a slam dunk, Al Gore winning for Best Documentary or me going to bed alone tonight...I'd say it's a push.

11:00 Clint Eastwood is really fuckin' old. He's not Peter O'Toole I think he's dead old...but he's really old.

11:05 From foundation member Alex...via GChat. Alex: I switched to the oscars, saw Celine Dion, threw up, and am now gay.

11:12 Hugh Jackman does a lot of broadway...draw your own conclusions.

I think we just had 2 more Jack Nicholson sightings...I think that's 8 and 9.

11:19 The guy who wrote Little Miss Sunshine (which just one for Original Screenplay) sounds like a real geek. D and D, Star Wars, and Comic Books kinds of geeky.

11:27 From Duffless That may be the best cleavage of the night! (referring to Jennifer Hudson) Her right boob was dangerously close to showing areola.

Currently the Dreamgirls people are singing the three nominated songs in Medley fashion...And Beyonce is singing her ass off...I bet it's because she wasn't nominated and she wants people to know that she is the real star...She seems like that.

11:33 From Duffless, Look at Travolta's Hair Plugs!

11:34 Best original song, the odds say go with Dreamgrils with 60% of the nominations...but no Melissa Ethridge wins for Inconvenient Truth, and imediately goes political. I love Al Gore too!

11:40 Will Smith has the same condition as Dick Clark, he hasn't aged one day since he moved in with Uncle Phil in Bel Air.

11:45 There is another montage...which I thought was about racism...but apparently has become a montage of every movie Michael Mann has ever seen, (duffless)

And for the second time in two events (Oscars and Superbowl) The foo fighters song Best In You is played, unexpectedly.

11:48 Some woman who edits all of Scorcese's films just won an oscar...and Scorcese is crying. I think he may be crying because he's never won, and the editor has won a bunch. Marty is so close to becoming Susan Lucci.

11:50 PARADE OF DEAD!!!!!

The best part of the night...let's see who applauds for who.

Memorable Dead:

Don Knotts (polite applause)
Red Buttons (slightly more than Knotts)
Darren McGavin (Polite Applause)
Maureen Stapleton( Polite applause)
James Doohan (beam me up scotty, Polite applause)

Apparently people have been instructed to not show favorites

Nevermind there was a noticeable difference in the volume of Peter Boyle's applause.

Jack Pallance (one armed pushups)
Mako
Jack Warden
Robert Altman (probably the most applause)

James brown wasn't a part of the parade of dead, he did finish off the strange Michael Mann montage, so I believe that was what they considered a tribute. Six Bud Light talls to be delivered to Duffless for her being right.

12Am Best Actress, or should we say The Helen Mirren show. It was about time a Brit made an acceptance speech...They know how to act!

I kinda liked Calendar Girls, if you haven't seen it, it's about british women who do a nude calendar to raise money for cancer, and end up on The Tonight Show, and at parties with Scott Ian from Anthrax. Helen Mirren shows her boobs...Just sayin!

1205 Best Actor...Let's not be crazy...Peter O'Toole may look like he's dead, but he ain't beating Forrest Whitaker. Who will become the third actor from Fast Times to win an oscar.

And with that, I remember my favorite line from Fast Times:

He's gonna Shit...He's gonna Kill Us!

Well What is it...is he gonna shit, or is he gonna kill us?

First He's gonna Shit...Then He's Gonna Kill Us!

1210, it's Director time...And it's time for Scorcese to finally get the monkey off his back...and he does. It's about time, I mean for god sakes he lost to Kevin Costner and Dances With Wolves when he did Goodfella's. Robbery!

12:20 the go right into best Picture and Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton will give the award away tonight...Keaton usually wears high necks and gloves to cover her skin up, but tonight she's doing neither...wierd. And jack nicholson's sunglasses are only slightly less creepy than Jackie Earle Haley's (by the way if I had to drink every time I saw jack nicholson tonight, I'd be in the hospital with a new liver right now)




Diane Keaton is having a lot of trouble reading off the teleprompter...I don't know if it's because she forgot her glasses or something, but Jack has to pretty much read everything, and that's creepy.

Speaking of that. I work in an office building that is in a Mall...and when I walk through this mall there are ads and posters all through it. And recently there have been ads for some Museum exhibit with close up photos of famous and non famous people...And they chose to show a pic of Jack Nicholson, and it was the first thing I saw one morning in the mall, and let me tell you, it's absolutely frightening to see that much Jack Nicholson.

12:30 Best Picture goes to the departed...I thought Little Miss Sunshine was going to win after the surprise Arkin win and the win for Original Screenplay, but The Departed wins for Adapted Screenplay, Director and Picture, and deservedly so, it was a great movie, and had some terrific dialogue in it. Congrats to all.

One thing, I know the award technically goes to the Producer, but don't you think you could step aside and let Marty speak a little? I mean, it's kinda his award.

That's the end of the show...Ellen, had a few cute moments including asking Marty Scorcese to take a picture of her and Clint Eastwood for her "Myspace Profile"

but in reality, it was pretty tame, and not very funny.

It was also long...Too many damn montages, I'm all about the Montage, but they need to make sense. The Mann Montage could have been lost...Also the Special Effects Singers was about 5 minutes too long.

And let's get the song nominees out of the way in quickfire medley format from now on, we don't need 5 five minute songs over the course of the show...get them all out of the way in one chunk so people can go grab a bite, or a drink, or go to the bathroom or inject themselves with narcotics...whatever.

The Song with Jack Black, Will Ferrell and John C. Reilley was definitely the high point of the night for me, it was well done...and Will's hair was awesome...

Oh yeah, and I forgot what time it happened buy Happy Feet beat Cars for best animated feature...I know even though my nephew was asleep at the time, he was throwing over tables in disgust when that happened. I didn't see either, so I don't know what one was better.

Ok, that's all for the Fuge Oscar Blogtacular...Next year I promise to drink more and be more funny...being sick on big weekends really sucks...