My Ode to Bill Simmons Running Diary of The 78th Academy Awards Show

Many of you may know who Bill Simmons is. To those who don't he's an inspiration to me and many 20/30 something men throughout the world, but most notably in Boston. He first made his name as "The Boston Sports Guy" years ago with the website: BostonSportsguy.com. He was then hired by ESPN to write columns for it's off the wall Page 2 section, as well as for the new ESPN the magazine. He then went to work for Jimmy Kimmell on his new talk show. Before returning to the fans he loved and writing full time for ESPN again. Bill Simmons to me is an inspiration. He's part of the reason I was so eager to start posting on this blog with the Awesomeness that is Duffless.

For those of you who don't know Bill, please check him out at www.bostonsportsguy.com...or through ESPN's Page 2 website. Bill is not just knowlegeable in the realm of sports, but he is also a Pop Culture vacuum, like Duffless and Myself. He references movies, music, and tv as if he maintains a photographic memory. Bill is doing what almost every guy in the world wishes he could do, including me.

So to Honor Bill, I will try to replicate one of his trademark columns. His running Diary. Often Bill will sit down and write about a particular event in a timeline. He'll do this for sporting events, Wrestling Pay Per Views, Celebrity Roasts and Awards Show.

So here it is...In the stylings of Mr. Bill Simmons:

Fuge's Running Diary of The 78th Annual Academy Awards Show.

Over the past few years, since 2002 actually, I 've been watching the Academy Awards show and drinking, by myself. Generally I haven't seen all of the movies, but I'll randomly pick a movie/actor/director and root for them throughout the show whenever the Movie is nominated. This year, I'd seen the movie Munich, but really felt like I would have thought that Crash was the best movie...because it had former Greaser Matt Dillon in it. This was my horse...For the rest of the night, i was rooting for Crash, and here is how it went.

7:55 Here at the waste of natural gas known as my home in Brighton, Massachusetts...PBR #1 at hand, bag of wise chips with French Onion Dip on the table. I'm ready.





8:01 The Opening Filmed Montage. Basically it's everyone who's alive that hosted the oscars saying that they don't want to host this year...Chris Rock and Billy Crystal in a tent ala brokeback is the highlight of the montage. I give it overall a C.

8:05 Monologue, I don't think John Stewart is cut out for this, I think his comedy is so political now, and I think the Academy was so afraid of letting him loose with this. There's a joke about democrats voting for the winner finally, and it gets a chuckle...again, I'll give it a solid c. Hightlight of the Monologue for me, was when they showed Phillip Seymour Hoffman, and Catherine Keener is behind him text messaging someone. Who was this? Why is it that important? Do you think she was being an annoying fan at a baseball game letting her friends know that she's on TV?

8:07, behind Matt Dillon...it appears to be rapper Ludacris...who the hell let him in the building?

8:07 They show Catherine Keener again, and I'm trying to figure out, what is wider...the Grand Canyon, The gap between Michael Strahan's teeth, or The distance between Catherine Keener's Breasts.

8:10 I think I just saw John Madden in the crowd...Is he a seat filler? Did he show up to the red carpet in the Madden Cruiser?

8:11 Matt Dillon, how did he not get nominated for The outsiders? And whoever that guy is behind him...Nice Moustache



8:12 PBR ME ASAP #2. Jack Nicholson has been on screen five times already. I'm pretty sure Easy Rider was his last movie, but yet they keep on showing him.

8:15 Montage #1 A not too funny montage of westerns that was edited to make the characters seem gay...Charlton Heston is show three times. And i decided Charlton Heston can only say 3 lines...and I'm sure of it:

Get Your Hands Off Of Me You Damn Dirty Ape!

Soylent Green Is Made of People!

and

You Can Take The Gun Out Of My Cold Dead Hands!!

That's it, nothing else.

8:16 best Supporting Actor...I've never gotten the whole Nicole Kidman thing. Supposedly this award will tell a couple of things...Will Crash or Brokeback win best Pic...and whether or not Clooney wins Best Director.

A couple of things about the nominees

Matt Dillon: Dallas Winston Nuff Said.
Jake Gyllenhaal: I saw him at a play in london from the 3rd row...this guy can act.
William Hurt: A History Of Violence? Never heard of it...
Paul Gaimatti: Crazy Facial hair obviously a result of not being nominated last year for Sideways.
George Clooney: Doug Ross Nuff Said.

Winner: Doug Ross.



8:19 Doug Ross makes a joke about "Not Winning Director" just like reported here by yours truly. As expected Ross, gets a little political, talking about movies being made about difficult subjects...not Michael Moore over the top, at all. I can't believe he doesn't thank Anthony Edwards...I really can't.

8:22 PBR me ASAP #3 (I can't keep up this pace can I? At this pace and a 4 hour show, I'm going to be on beer 36...well that's not possible)

I was wondering at this point why the commercials for the Oscars aren't as big as the commercials for the Super Bowl, I mean, most people will watch them, so why aren't there new ads?

8:25 Tom Hanks is in some sort of skit about keeping the acceptance speech short. His hair is Awful.

8:26 Ben Stiller in a greensuit...obviously for special effects. I've decided that Ben Stiller is no longer funny. I would have much rather seen Jerry Stiller.

8:28 The Chronic What...Cles Of Narnia

8:28 Some guys name is Daniel Su-Dick

8:30 It appears that the Oscars have decided to play music during the entire acceptance speech...I guess to lessen the scare of them all of a sudden breaking into song to cut a speech short. I don't like it.

8:31 Animated films nominations are announced...I guess Disney didn't make a movie this year?

8:34 The Best Songs are announced. Thank god there will only be three performances this year. Worst part of the show.

8:35 Dolly Parton has ENORMOUS CANS....I mean, I remember them from 9 to 5, but now they seem much bigger, like a whole different class of Can. I'd definitely still hit that shit, she's hot for 60, facelifts or not.

8:36 I'm not sure if I heard this right, but Dolly just said "They Nailed Jesus to a Tree"...Interesting

8:38 Proof that I am addicted to the West Wing, every time they show Lily Tomlin, all I can think about is next weeks show.



8:41 During a commercial I discover Red Dawn is on Starz Action. This doesn't bode well for the diary...WOLVERINES!!!!!!!

PBR ME ASAP #4

8:44 How does one go about seeing the shorts nominated for Best Animated Short?

8:45 call me an idiot, but I still don't know which Wilson Brother is Which.

8:48 I just found out that Eli Wallach is still alive...news to me.

8:48 I'm making a kick ass decree...From now on, someone has to at least have a respectable movie career before they can be a presenter...I'm looking at you Jessica Alba!

8:51 I love being from Boston, but if I could trade my accent for an Australian/English/Irish/New Zealand accent...I'd do it in a heartbeat.

8:52 Montage #2, Biopics. This is definitely biting into the Parade of Dead People montage that I look forward to every year.

8:55 Red Dawn update, they just found the Colonel, and he's telling the wolverines what's going on.

8:59 PBR ME ASAP #5

8:59 You thinking what I'm thinking?
Narnia!

Then It's Happenin!

9:00 Some other dude has a terrific Moustache

9:01 I don't think I've seen John Stewart for at least 20 minutes...I'd like to think he's asking Doug Ross about his role in Return of the Killer Tomatoes.

9:02 and here are the awards no one cares about...Rachel McAdams is pretending she's happy to be there, I bet she looks the same way when fans come up to her and say:

I love that Frosting Like McAdams Loves Gosseling

9:03 I'm the kinda guy that can find you stuff. I guess Red found Morgan Freeman an Ascot.

9:04 Who the hell is Amy Adams?

9:05 A message to Rachel Weisz...I love you, even if you are carrying someone else's baby...

9:06 Rachel Just thanked Ralph Fiennes...How does this guy get a pass on the name Ralph and get to call himself Ray? I mean, at least change the name to Ray, don't just call yourself that!

9:07 I've just seen Jack Nicholson for the 6th time, that is more than my beer consumption. I have decided now, to outdrink Jack's appearances.

9:08 Colonel and Aardvark just ate it in Red Dawn

9:18 Montage of fake political ads about Best Actress, funniest part of the show so far.


9:20 PBR ME ASAP #6

9:21 It just set in...Doug Ross won an oscar.

9:22 Even though Charlize Theron has made a lot of waves for uglying herself up to be in movies, I'd move to the Darfur region for 3 months just for a chance to stay in the same bed as her.


9:23 Documentary time...I saw Murder Ball, I really wish they weren't going up against some fuckin' penguins. This also reminds me of the year that Hoop Dreams wasn't nominated...Which was an absolute sham.

9:24 Has Jennifer Lopez made a single good movie...Actually, that one with Jim Caviezel wasn't all that bad, but that might be it. That reminds me of when I used to live in Revere, On route 1 right near my house there was a billboard for JLo's Movie Enough. The funny thing is that the billboard was there for 2.5 years. every time I passed it I'd say I KNow It's Enough!!! Someone Please buy that billboard! I don't often have anyone in the car with me, so I ammuse myself.

9:25 Some song from crash...She doesn't have Dolly's cans so back to starz action...And I just missed C. Thomas Howell killing darryl for swallowing the bug. Dammit!

And on starz Love stories is Beautiful Girls. Matt Dillon is about to get his ass kicked. And I just realized the guy who kicks his ass (with the help of his friends) is Greg Brock from The West Wing...I'm obsessed.

9:32 WHHOOOA!

Question...Did Sandra Bullock REALLY marry Jesse James from Monster Garage? I mean, he was married to a tattooed porn star...and now Sandra Bullock?

9:34 PBR ME ASAP #7

9:40 Jack Nicholson 7/PBR Consumption 7

9:41 Head of the academy comes out for his spiel. If I'm not mistaken...this is a new guy, Do they elect these guys? Do they have to win oscars to lead the academy? Who picks him?

9:41 Starz Love Stories...you Fuck with Him, You fuck with Me, You fuck With Me, I fuck With You. I love Beautiful Girls.

9:42 Kiss's Beth is used in the scene where Michael Rappaport plows the drive way...This song needs to be used more often

9:43 Don't get comfy cubans...The Eckert Boys are coming! Wolverines!

9:47 Itzhak Pearlman is playing the nominees for best score. This reminds me of my favorite ever Behind the Music moments. The band...Poison. The Band Member CC Deville. He was talking about how he was trained by Itzhak Pearlman at Berklee. But my favorite part was how he was describing the Parties at the pinnacle of the band. In a terrific Long Island smoke filled accent.

It was a house of Whores...

Then It Was a House of Horrors.

And he was pockmarked and chubby...that's fuckin' funny.

9:48 How many times is John Williams going to be nominated. I think they nominate him every year even if he doesn't do a movie, purely on his work for star wars.

9:49 where's danny elfman?

9:50 They've shown Ang Lee about 10 times...and I'm trying to figure out if the chick next to him is his sister or a wife...I mean, they look exactly alike!

9:51 I'm officially getting drunk. It's getting tough to write stuff down.

9:54 PBR ME ASAP #8

9:57 A 4th Montage! How many clips can they show!

All I remember is they showed the scene with the spears from Braveheart....HOLD....HOLD.....HOOOOOLD!!

10:00 John Stewart just made a joke about all the montages...saying that there were now no more clips to show at all. woo hoo, i'm good at this shit!

10:01 I'm about to bring you to a dream world of Magic!

10:02 I'm convinced that any movie that involves Tom Cruise, since he's become a scientologist will not win an oscar. war of the worlds has been nominated for every technical award, and walked away empty.

10:04 Jack Nicholson appearance #9 and PBR ME ASAP#9...tie ballgame

10:06 Lily Tomlin was nominated for an oscar? I thought she was only in 9 to 5 and the Incredible Shrinking Woman.

10:08 It appears that Lily Tomlin was in every Robert Altman Movie of all time...she was his muse.

10:09 the M.A.S.H music makes me weepy.

10:12 I can't tell if it's Robert Altman's son, or David Crosby.

10:14 PBR ME ASAP #10, and I've gone for the first smoke of the night

10:17 In true Bill Simmons style...I get it already...Sons And Daughters...It's Edgy, it's got the guy from Barney Miller in it.

10:18 I know why Ludacris is here! He's introducing the song from Hustle and Flow It's Hard out There For aPimp!

10:19 How hard can it really be for a pimp...I mean, he gets to sleep in late, wear flashy clothes, and make his own hours...He isn't stuck in a cubicle all day. Other people do the work for him, all he needs to do is act intimdating at times...if the bitch doesn't have his money.

10:20 I think they just said Shit.

10:22 You know what's hard...remembering where the beer I just opened is.

10:23 if the song from Crash wins, I'm going to crash my car through a store window.

1024 the Pimp song wins...performed by 3-six Mafia...not only does the Honda survive, but John Stewart has patter for the rest of the night!

10:24 I think that's the only time I've ever seen a speech bleeped! I think the academy is too scared too cut the 3-Six Mafia off! They could go on for hours!

10:24 I'm pretty sure that these guys speak worse English than those fuckers from March of the Penguins

10:26 Jack Nicholson #10, PBR ME ASAP #10

10:26 From Pimp to Sound Editing

10:27 Again, what films has Jennifer Garner been in?

10:29 The dudes who won for sound editing have won two oscars in two nominations...they know how to pick their jobs. Thats Swank Like.

10:30 Doug Ross really won an Oscar...and he introduces my favorite part:

The Parade Of DeadCelebrities!

The highlights:



Morita
Shciavelli
Penn
Simone Simon?
Shelly Winters
Anne Bancroft
Eddie Albert
Richard Prior.

I don't know what it is, but usually there is a huge applause for the most famous people...I expected Pryor to receive the biggest applause, Maybe Bancroft...but I think Shelley Winters takes the award this year.

10:37 I'm definitely drunk...Work is going to suck tomorrow!

10:38 PBR ME ASAP #11

10:39 Gavin Hood, whoever the f' he is, looks like Tim Curry and George Thoroughgood had a love child...and with Tim Curry, anything's possible.

10:41 Best Joke of the night by Stewart:

Martin Scorcese 0 0scars...3-six Mafia...1

10:41 I'm keeping my zipper down, I'm pissing so much, I want to speed up the process.

10:43 Isn't Haggis a Scottish Meat?

10:43 the dude that just won for editing has an asian fetish...his wife lulu seems to not understand what's going on

10:44 Does anyone have a winning percentage higher than Swank? as far as I can tell she's only made 3 movies. One was with Morita. the other two won her oscars.

10:46 Jake had a great stach in Brokeback, maybe I should see it.

10:47 Phillip Seymour hoffman wins...He definitely has had quite the career...and even if Capote wasn't oscar worthy, his body of work deserves it. Sorry Heath, but your gay cowboy role stands no chance to Hoffman's gay writer role.

10:54 American Inventor? On a major Network?
PBR ME ASAP #12

10:55 So if I'm not mistaken, Memoirs of a Geisha and King Kong both have 3 oscars. This is so unlike the more recent oscars where one movie wins everything.

10:58 Proof that I've had 12 beers...I think I might consider banging Dame Judy Dench.

11:00 I'm surprised Felicity Huffman didn't win, I mean Oscar loves that shit, where women dress as Men. Or in this case, Women Dressing as a man that became a woman.

11:01 Isn't there usually a thing where they show the Accountants?

11:02 Reese, if you are going to show off your southern accent...keep it consistent.

11:06 as if saying I'd have sex with Judy Dench wasn't proof enough, I'll tell you again...I'm DRUNK!

11:08 I'm convinced that Dustin Hoffman wasn't acting during Rain Main, he's going to start saying: 11 Minutes to Wapner any minute now...He's so fucking dull!

11:09 Again, how did History of Violence completely evade my radar?

11:11 that guy is wearing Jeans with a Tux! is he wearing flip flops too?

11:12 PBR ME ASAP #13

11:13 Is Paul Haggis Ron and Clint's Long Lost Howard Brother?

11:15 I thin this is the first time that someone actually got dissed, how about letting the dude talk, then when the woman goes to speak, cut to music!!!

11:18 Again, john stewart uses my joke well sort of, about the dude in the jeans.

11:19 Wait, Tom Hanks hair in the opening skit wasn't a joke? It's real?

11:21 So let me get this right Ang Lee has directed:

Sense and Sensibility
Hulk
Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon
The Ice Storm and
Brokeback Mountain.

Pretty good resume...I have to admit.

11:22 And Jack comes out again to announce the Best Picture. that's 11 appearances. I'm on beer 13. I win

11:25 It appears jack is surprised to read the winner, and it's Crash...The movie I've never seen, but was rooting for because Matt Dillon was in the Outsiders won!!! woo hoo.

11:26 Oh My God...They just Cut off the best picture speech! that's bullshit, The show's over, give them a few minutes extra minutes...James Cameron Blathered on for like 45 minutes when he won. That's bullshit...I expect an apology from the academy.

recap. I got drunk, the movie I was pulling for won best picture, ang lee looks like his wife, Jack Nicholson is the academy's favorite person of all time. I'm surprised that there was no clear cut winner. I mean, 3 oscars for 3 different movies? that's not a lot. but, anyway I'll do it again next year, hopefully I'll bring it to you. Next year I may try to do it live.

Final tally...

3 and1/2 hours
13 pbrs
3 cigarettes
2.5 million bathroom breaks